Have you ever felt regret for becoming a parent? I'm not talking about the silly mistakes that parents always seem to beat themselves up about: the great breastmilk vs. formula debate, discipline styles, and such. Those blunders are microscopic in comparison to what I'm talking about. I'm asking if you, as a parent, have ever regretted bringing a new, innocent life into this increasingly darkening world. Don't get me wrong, I love my son and I would never give him up. My family makes my life ten million times better. But as I sat there, staring at my sweet son's sleeping form, I have never felt more guilty. How could I, an imperfect, inexperienced woman, bring such innocence into this world? I don't watch the news, or follow it in any other way. But I can see just by looking out my window how unpleasant society is becoming. What right did I have to subject my son to this life, this unending escalation of violence and hatred?
I remember as a child, just fifteen or so years ago, how I could run rampant about the neighborhood, visiting friends and exploring new places without regard to my personal safety. People seemed friendlier then, somehow. Safer. Common sense seemed more common. But as I grew up I saw the world around me change. And I don't believe it was because I was becoming more aware of it all, although that is a part of it. It's more of a feeling, a heaviness that has settled over everyone I've ever met. We are a violent race, and our thirst for violence has become stronger.
Why? And why now? The only conclusion I can come to is that part of the cause must be the media we are subjected to. Movies and TV, music, video games. I must sound like a broken record, but it's true. We're getting used to death and blood and gore, sex crimes, lies, deception, theft. We're getting comfortable, desensitized. I can watch a movie and see a man's brains get blown to bits and I don't feel a thing. Not disgust, fear, sorrow, pleasure, anything. And that scares me a little.
When I was younger I could imagine my own future, bright and containing endless potential. But now, for my child, I see only troubled times and hardship because of the state of moral decline in our society. I am sure I am not the only parent to have these questions, these regrets and apprehension. So how do we fix it? How can we ensure that our children's futures have hope and light? How can my husband and I help our child to be better, stronger person when all around us people are crumbling to the pressures of our increasingly immoral world? How can we possibly hope to keep them safe and sweet? How do we change the world?
I am very young; I cannot expect to be able to answer these questions now or in the near future. But I can guess. Even so, the guessing is easier than doing.
Would you like to hear my hypothesis? You may recall the book Pay It Forward by Catherine Ryan Hyde. It's been several years since I read it, but I'll try to sum it up for you. In the book, a teacher challenges his students to come up with an idea that will change the world. One of the students, a young boy named Trevor, comes up with the simple idea of "pay it forward." He chooses a few seemingly worthless people and does a good deed for them, and when they ask him how they can pay him back he tells them to pick three people and do something good for each of them, thus beginning a chain event that will domino across the globe. Moral of the story: if you want to change the world, you must change the people in it. But even if you can't change the whole world, you can make a difference in someone's world.
While I essentially agree with the majority of the lessons in this story, there are a few flaws I can see. We do not have the power or ability to change any other individual. We can influence that change, but the change must come from within themselves. It's like this: have you ever tried to develop a habit? In order for it to become a true habit, you must incorporate it into your life slowly, consistently for weeks and months until it becomes as natural to you as breathing. So it is with people's personalities and attitudes. You will not become a better person by someone else being kind to you once no more than this post will suddenly make the world have an about-face and become a cheerful place again.
Back on topic: I swear there is a point to that tangent. If you've been able to follow my thoughts so far, please bear with me a while longer. So how do we implement this theory of "changing the world one person at a time" into our parenting styles? I must insert a disclaimer here that I most certainly do not have parenting figured out. My first and only child is three and a half months old, for goodness sake. I am not qualified in any way to make these statements. But I have observed many things over the course of my short life, and feel it is time to write down my humble thoughts on the matter. I have an infinite amount of personal discovery and growth to experience still, and many more mistakes to make as a parent and spouse.
I believe if we wish to influence the lives of others, we must first change ourselves. This is not an easy task. I know. I used to be an introverted, cynical, bitter, angry person who had no room in her heart to love anyone. I constantly struck out at others, but mostly myself. I was so blinded by emotional pain that I couldn't let go, and I still bear the scars from that struggle. I'd like to think that over the past few years of self-discovery I've become a much better individual; but of course, that is open to interpretation. I certainly feel better about myself, and am more at peace with my life and the decisions I make. So, here are some of the lessons I've learned on my journey to self-change. I hope that my experiences might make it easier for someone else endeavoring to live a little brighter.
Let go. This is the first and most important lesson I've learned. In order to move forward, it is imperative that you let everything go. Think about it this way: you are trying to run a race, but upon taking the first step you find yourself held back by several strong ropes. Every grudge, painful memory, mistake, every wrong that has ever been done to (and by) you is represented in every thread of those ropes. The more you hold on to, the stronger the ropes are. But here's the catch: you're not tied to the ropes, you're simply holding on to the ends. All you have to do to move forward is just let go. You hold the power to free yourself. No one else can make you drop those ropes.
Forgive. This is part of letting go. In order to be free, you need to forgive others their mistakes. But most importantly, you have got to learn to forgive yourself. We are masters at self-sabotage. And the worst thing you can do to hinder your own personal progress is beat yourself up about every mistake you've ever made.
Be honest. With others and with yourself. Again, even the most honest person is an expert at lying to him- or herself. Those personal lies are the hardest to recognize, but the most harmful: I am not good enough. I don't have any talent. No one will notice if I [do or don't do] this. And my personal favorite: I can't.
Be optimistic. This doesn't mean that during a crisis you should be inexplicably cheerful about your circumstances. Optimism doesn't mean you should say, "I'm getting evicted tomorrow? Yay!" You can be upset and still be optimistic. To me, optimism is focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, that silver lining on each cloud. It's gritting your teeth and pushing through the trials, not hanging around focusing on them. It's saying, yes, today sucks. But I will make tomorrow and the future better through hard work and a positive attitude that things will get better. Even at rock bottom, you can still move up.
Find faith. I don't necessarily mean you should find a religion. Find something to believe in. Whether it is God (or some other deity), yourself, your family, your job, mother earth, whatever. Even my agnostic and atheist friends need something to believe in. Because without faith in something, you cannot possibly have hope for anything.
Make home and family a priority. In addition to being more violent and frightening, our society has become more busy than ever. We're always rushing to do something. Our children, spouses, parents, they all get left behind in the dust as we hurry to work and school. Work is important, we have to do what is necessary to survive. But don't neglect the family unit. Make your home a safe, happy place. Enjoy your family and invest as much time as you can in your spouse or significant other and your children. This doesn't mean you have to be Pinterest-perfect and totally put together. By all means, make messy mistakes. It's how we learn, and hopefully through our examples our children can learn important life lessons as well.
And finally,
Make mistakes. As stated in the previous paragraph, mistakes are how we learn. Even if something happens for no apparent reason, make every experience a learning moment. Don't be afraid to mess up. I've learned a lot looking at my parent's mistakes. I don't judge them, of course, but I have learned from their mistakes and I thank them for that opportunity. I hope I can be the same kind of example for my son.
Once you become a more self-assured and whole person, you radiate some sort of...energy. A positive, uplifting force. You become strong when you discover exactly who you are and what you stand for. And that light, no matter how big or small, is what enables us to elicit change. That light is what helps us push away the darkness that has crept in to our society and make our families lives better.
I'm not entirely sure how I got from near-existential crisis to self-help, but there's my train of thought for you. I can't change the world. I cannot remove the pain and hurt inflicted upon those who are nearest and dearest to me by others. I cannot protect my child or any future children from everything. They will fall down, they will get hurt, they will feel pain and they will make mistakes. I will inevitably be the source of some of their hardships. But I can be a strong person, a humble but shining example to them so they in turn can face life's challenges and spread the light to others. I can love my son and my husband with all my heart and give them my all. And maybe, just maybe, after I'm long gone, because of my efforts the world will be a little brighter. I suppose that's the most any parent could hope for.
The world can be a scary place. People can be downright evil, and bad things happen. There will be times where I will feel guilty and frightened about what I'm sending my child into, but I don't have to make him face it unprepared. And that is a comforting thought, although the task is daunting. I'm sure many experienced parents have already figured this out. If that is the case, excuse the ramblings of a new parent. I certainly have a lot more learning to do, and hopefully a long time to do it. Above all, I hope to learn to live a little brighter and help others do the same.
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