Hey, y'all. It's been a while, hasn't it? For the record, I don't say "y'all" in real life, but boy, is it fun to type!
Life has been crazy, and not even the good kind. It's the emotional-roller-coaster, no-sleep, fuzzy-brained, chaotic-mess kinda crazy. I won't delve into the boring details, but this year been a pain in the arse so far. It could be worse, I know. I have many friends and family members who have had the ground ripped out from under their feet in these first two months of the year. I hurt for them, and they are constantly in my thoughts. But so far, for my little family, 2014 has kept us on our toes.
Anyway, with all this craziness and my resulting laziness (hah, I rhymed), it has been difficult to find the time to write, let alone think of anything  to write about. But the other day I was driving home from a visit to my family's house and I had a thought. Thank you, literary gods.
I recently had my hair done, and it's a pretty drastic change from my previous 'do. I had sent a picture of it to my husband, who had replied and said (a few different times) how much he loved it, really. He grinned ear to ear when he finally saw it in person. I had a few people close to me offer comments along the lines of: "Well, he's being awfully sweet about it. What did he do wrong that he's trying to kiss up for?"
An innocent comment, and one probably intended to be humorous. But this isn't the first time I've heard of and received comments like this, and I'll admit, I'm guilty of uttering them myself:
"Your boyfriend did the dishes? What did he do wrong?"
"Your husband brought you flowers, supposedly on a whim? What's he trying to kiss up for?"
"Your "significant other" did/said [something sweet, fill in the blank]? Something's up."
These comments are annoying to me for a few reasons. For one, my partner is not my child. I am not his mother. I am not his jailer. I am his partner, his wife. He should not have to "kiss up" to be able to do what he wants, or do a domestic task in order to apologize for a mistake. I do not control him. I do not preside over him in our home, and he should not feel like he has to come crawling on hands and knees to apologize for forgetting Valentine's Day (seriously, I forgot it, too). Yes, I appreciate when he does the dishes, but why shouldn't he clean? He lives here, too, and contributes just as much to the mess as I do.
But most of all, ladies and gents, I spy a double standard here.
What double standard, you ask? I'll counter that with another question. The last time you watched a chick flick or novel and swooned over the male lead, did you automatically question every sweet, romantic thing he did as having an ulterior motive? Probably not. If so, girl, you've got trust issues (don't worry, I've been there). If you sat there and thought how romantic that man was, and wondered why men aren't like that in "real life," well, here's your answer.
They do try. They really do, even after the dating and honeymoon phases, they do try. But those innocent, sweet actions meant to make our day better are often met with scepticism and criticism (either by us, our friends, our families, random strangers in the checkout line at the store, it doesn't matter...it's there). The men in our lives want  to appreciate us, and they want to show it. For some it's a gift, a thoughtful message, a date, a spontaneous kiss or hug, flowers, doing a chore he wouldn't normally do, a small comment, or a sincere "I love you." Each person has his own way of showing how much he cares and appreciates us, whether we see it or not. Anyway, that's kind of off topic.
If we're constantly wondering, "why aren't guys that romantic in real life?" and then turning around and questioning a man's actions and suspecting an ulterior motive, well, that must be extremely confusing and disheartening for our male counterparts. Would you continue complimenting a friend on her new outfit if she kept asking you what you were trying to kiss up for? Probably not.
I get it, some men are kings of douchebaggery. I've met many of those types in my life, so I completely understand where the scepticism comes from. But I've met just as many women who are equally crass and moronic; is it really reasonable to assume the entire sex is guilty of the crimes of a few? Of course not, so why are we doing it anyway? I have no answer for that, perhaps it's just human nature. But this thought pattern needs to stop. Innocent until proven guilty, right?
Believe me, my relationship with my husband has been a huge learning experience for me in this area. I used to be sceptical of everything a man did, I've been guilty of being too stuck up and prideful to trust that his intentions were anything other than innocent attempts at romance. Then I learned that I will never be loved like Lizzie Bennet [or insert your preferred protagonist] if I don't let go of my insecurities and stop being so suspicious. And guess what happened? I met this truly amazing man who has never done me wrong. Not once. Sure, there are the trivial mishaps, but there has been nothing that's so damaging it rips us apart as a couple. It's okay for my husband to bring me flowers on a whim, do the dishes, take the baby for an hour so I can nap, tell me I look beautiful, make my own decisions, notice my hair, massage my shoulders, and the countless other thoughtful things he does to show me he cares for me and is trying to take care of me. He's not trying to kiss up, or make up for a mistake, or apologize for something he did wrong. He's trying to show me he loves me. And I do just as many things of my own to show him that I love him. It's a two-way street, this relationship. And so far, it's working phenomenally.
So next time your friend's significant other (or yours) brings her (or you) flowers and chocolates for no apparent reason, or repeatedly compliments her new hair style, try to appreciate that he's expressing his love for her, and don't immediately be suspicious of his actions, okay? Just try it, you might be surprised.

A Word To My Fellow Women

I recently listened to a talk by Elder D. Todd Christofferson, an apostle in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in the LDS Church. In his talk, Elder Christofferson spoke not only to women, but men as well about the importance of morality and virtue in today's morally declining society. He stressed that women have a unique power over the future of our nation, and indeed the world. Because it is the work we do with our families that determines whether or not our future is bright. We decide our future by the very efforts we put into raising our children to be strong, fair, honest, courteous, and creatures of integrity.
His talk got me thinking: what happened to grace? When did it stop being important to be well-mannered, poised, and ladylike (or gentleman-like)? In the push-and-shove of our culture, it seems we have lost a certain power, a certain level of civility. Is it just me, or have we lost something of ourselves in the race for equality and power? Is it possible that we, as a whole, have become more animalistic?
I am not perfect in this respect. I am sloppy, crude, and sometimes violent. I have a sharp tongue and I often do not hesitate to use it, even though this often causes pain to others. I am not a lady, not in the traditional sense, at least. I know how to be well-mannered, I simply choose not to. In my memory, my mother has always been, regardless of her circumstances, well-dressed, poised, polite, well-mannered, and graceful. She was not born to privilege, but she has always been a lady. I think somewhere along the line I decided that to be gentle was to be frail; to be feminine and graceful was to be weak. I was so very wrong.
I often hear the question, "What happened to all the gentlemen?" along with the accompanying answer, "The feminists killed them." I cannot dispute this, only shake my head in sorrow that a cause that started out so honest and fair has turned into a movement that degrades the virtues of both sexes.
We, men and women alike, walk around with our fists held high. We are constantly on the defensive, ready to strike out at anyone who dares to treat us as less than equal. I have been guilty of this as well. I have lived by the creed that many women seem to embody these days: I am a woman, but treat me like a man. When did it become so shameful to be who we are? When did our natural abilities and talents become worthless? When did we decide that in order to be equal to our biological counterparts, we had to surpass them in every way, diminishing their potential and banishing them to the place we have fought so hard to pull ourselves out of for hundreds of years? It is not possible to assume a position of equality while cheapening the strengths of those we profess to be equal to, nor is it a morally sound practice.
We do not need to assume the roles of men to be equal to them. It is possible to be gentle and ladylike and still have power, dignity, and strength. In the words of Margaret D. Nadauld: "The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined."
I do not want to be misunderstood here. I have a great amount of respect for men (especially my husband, who is the most gentle, kind, and compassionate person I know), and I have seen many men do great things. There are still gentlemen out there, regardless of the jokes we may make about their sloppy, poor manners and crude, neanderthal behavior. In my experience, those types of men are the minority. But as we seek equality with those men, there is no need to assume their best and worst traits, nor exhibit the worst of our behavioral tendencies.
Elder Christofferson pointed out in his talk that many who claim to be forward-thinking feminists degrade the role of mother and homemaker. But if we abandon this role for the sake of equality, who will be left to teach children about integrity, virtue, gratitude, gentleness, honesty, and strength? The future generations will be left to teach themselves, to determine for themselves what morals to follow. The role of the mother is both the most powerful and most humble of occupations. A mother is the heart of the home, the powerful but quiet force behind every accomplishment. She provides a unique emotional aspect to the family that most men can only begin to fathom. It should in no way be considered less than the equally important role of father, husband, and provider. Both of these roles ensure the security and success of the family unit, and prevent the degradation of morals in our society. Now, I am not saying that a woman's place is always in the home and the man's is always in the workplace. Every family is shaped differently, and the dynamics can (and should) only be determined by the individuals in that family. But it is imperative that we do not ever undermine the power and necessity of the family unit.
With my closing thoughts I would like to echo a challenge that has been offered to every generation of women. Be gentle. Be ladylike. Be virtuous. There is power in our inherent femininity. We hold the key to an insurmountable power that has the potential to change the face of our world for the better. It is all there in both our divine and biological makeup, we just have to put our fists down and use that power.
I doubt very much that anyone will ever read these thoughts from my humble little brain, but if one day someone stumbles across this and has the patience to read the whole thing, I hope it does good. It certainly is a lesson I needed to learn today!