Life has been crazy, and not even the good kind. It's the emotional-roller-coaster, no-sleep, fuzzy-brained, chaotic-mess kinda crazy. I won't delve into the boring details, but this year been a pain in the arse so far. It could be worse, I know. I have many friends and family members who have had the ground ripped out from under their feet in these first two months of the year. I hurt for them, and they are constantly in my thoughts. But so far, for my little family, 2014 has kept us on our toes.
Anyway, with all this craziness and my resulting laziness (hah, I rhymed), it has been difficult to find the time to write, let alone think of anything to write about. But the other day I was driving home from a visit to my family's house and I had a thought. Thank you, literary gods.
I recently had my hair done, and it's a pretty drastic change from my previous 'do. I had sent a picture of it to my husband, who had replied and said (a few different times) how much he loved it, really. He grinned ear to ear when he finally saw it in person. I had a few people close to me offer comments along the lines of: "Well, he's being awfully sweet about it. What did he do wrong that he's trying to kiss up for?"
An innocent comment, and one probably intended to be humorous. But this isn't the first time I've heard of and received comments like this, and I'll admit, I'm guilty of uttering them myself:
"Your boyfriend did the dishes? What did he do wrong?"
"Your husband brought you flowers, supposedly on a whim? What's he trying to kiss up for?"
"Your "significant other" did/said [something sweet, fill in the blank]? Something's up."
These comments are annoying to me for a few reasons. For one, my partner is not my child. I am not his mother. I am not his jailer. I am his partner, his wife. He should not have to "kiss up" to be able to do what he wants, or do a domestic task in order to apologize for a mistake. I do not control him. I do not preside over him in our home, and he should not feel like he has to come crawling on hands and knees to apologize for forgetting Valentine's Day (seriously, I forgot it, too). Yes, I appreciate when he does the dishes, but why shouldn't he clean? He lives here, too, and contributes just as much to the mess as I do.
But most of all, ladies and gents, I spy a double standard here.
What double standard, you ask? I'll counter that with another question. The last time you watched a chick flick or novel and swooned over the male lead, did you automatically question every sweet, romantic thing he did as having an ulterior motive? Probably not. If so, girl, you've got trust issues (don't worry, I've been there). If you sat there and thought how romantic that man was, and wondered why men aren't like that in "real life," well, here's your answer.
They do try. They really do, even after the dating and honeymoon phases, they do try. But those innocent, sweet actions meant to make our day better are often met with scepticism and criticism (either by us, our friends, our families, random strangers in the checkout line at the store, it doesn't matter...it's there). The men in our lives want to appreciate us, and they want to show it. For some it's a gift, a thoughtful message, a date, a spontaneous kiss or hug, flowers, doing a chore he wouldn't normally do, a small comment, or a sincere "I love you." Each person has his own way of showing how much he cares and appreciates us, whether we see it or not. Anyway, that's kind of off topic.
If we're constantly wondering, "why aren't guys that romantic in real life?" and then turning around and questioning a man's actions and suspecting an ulterior motive, well, that must be extremely confusing and disheartening for our male counterparts. Would you continue complimenting a friend on her new outfit if she kept asking you what you were trying to kiss up for? Probably not.
I get it, some men are kings of douchebaggery. I've met many of those types in my life, so I completely understand where the scepticism comes from. But I've met just as many women who are equally crass and moronic; is it really reasonable to assume the entire sex is guilty of the crimes of a few? Of course not, so why are we doing it anyway? I have no answer for that, perhaps it's just human nature. But this thought pattern needs to stop. Innocent until proven guilty, right?
Believe me, my relationship with my husband has been a huge learning experience for me in this area. I used to be sceptical of everything a man did, I've been guilty of being too stuck up and prideful to trust that his intentions were anything other than innocent attempts at romance. Then I learned that I will never be loved like Lizzie Bennet [or insert your preferred protagonist] if I don't let go of my insecurities and stop being so suspicious. And guess what happened? I met this truly amazing man who has never done me wrong. Not once. Sure, there are the trivial mishaps, but there has been nothing that's so damaging it rips us apart as a couple. It's okay for my husband to bring me flowers on a whim, do the dishes, take the baby for an hour so I can nap, tell me I look beautiful, make my own decisions, notice my hair, massage my shoulders, and the countless other thoughtful things he does to show me he cares for me and is trying to take care of me. He's not trying to kiss up, or make up for a mistake, or apologize for something he did wrong. He's trying to show me he loves me. And I do just as many things of my own to show him that I love him. It's a two-way street, this relationship. And so far, it's working phenomenally.
So next time your friend's significant other (or yours) brings her (or you) flowers and chocolates for no apparent reason, or repeatedly compliments her new hair style, try to appreciate that he's expressing his love for her, and don't immediately be suspicious of his actions, okay? Just try it, you might be surprised.
