6 Months Self-Harm Free and Loving Me

Some background: When I was 15 I was hospitalized for a short time for depression, cutting, anorexia, and insomnia. In short, I was a mess. I am thankful to my mother for taking the steps she needed to in order to get me help. Others aren't so lucky.
I've been struggling with these things - most often silently - constantly for the past eight years. In addition to the above, I also experience pretty severe social anxiety. So, yup, still a mess.
The other day I realized that I've successfully made it 6 months without self-harming.
I choose to be open about my cutting, though I'm painfully aware of how others may treat me or view me when they realize what I do to myself. It's a daily struggle. It has nothing to do with attention seeking and everything to do with trying to control just one thing when my life feels completely out of control. It's about making myself feel something when my depression is at its worst, because physical pain is better than feeling absolutely nothing. The pain is grounding when my anxiety convinces me that everything is spiraling into chaos. It's deceptively sweet.
And it's addicting. That's really what it comes down to. It's an addiction. It's like that obnoxious friend who follows you around, constantly begging you to pay attention to them even though you know they're toxic and you'd be better off without them. Except I've got a possy of these friends. Depression, Anxiety, Self-Harm, Insomnia. And I can't slam the door in their faces, turn off my phone, and drown them out. I can't escape them.

I know it's not the most sustainable coping mechanism. I know that in the end it causes more harm than good. I know that one day I'll have to explain my multitude of scars to my son and daughter, and hope they'll forgive me my weakness and I'll pray they won't face the same struggles I do. I know that, now, when I feel safe and at peace and life is going okay. But tomorrow I may wake up to find that things are not so alright after all, and I'll spend the day trying to distract myself and talk myself away from the edge of the black hole that is depression.
I've been through therapy. I've tried medications, lifestyle changes, hobbies, meditation, natural remedies, hormonal birth control, community service, exercise, and ignoring it. Nothing seems to stick. Sometimes it's a battle with your mind you can only fight on your own.
I have a wonderful family, a great life, good friends, and an abundance of possibilities. I think it surprises people when they learn of my struggles. Because cutting is for emo kids and attention-seeking teens or druggies, right? Not a quiet blonde stay-at-home-mom. That's the great thing about depression...it certainly doesn't discriminate.
But I made it. 6 months is quite an accomplishment. I wish I could say goodbye to it forever, but baby steps, right?
I'm not sure why exactly I decided to write a blog post about this, but it feels right. If you're struggling with cutting, or another mental illness, know you're not alone and you are loved in spite of all your flaws. If you know someone who is having a hard time, I know it's hard to deal with but please don't give up on them.
Above all, be kind to your fellow human beings. Some of our battle scars are a little less conventional, some are hidden inside, and some are easy to see but hard to understand. Everyone's trying to do the best they can with what they have.

Cloth Diaper Experimentation

Holy cow, has it been a while or what? I've been so busy. We had a new little nugget in December. She's now 6 months old and starting to find her way around the living room floor, which gets pretty hazardous when you also have a toddler who is training to be The Flash.

I've been up to a lot, mostly experimenting making cloth diapers and getting the hang of cloth diapering. Little Missy Mouse has a sensitive tushy and, well, let's just say in disposables her cheeks get rosy red. So cloth diapering it is! I'm still learning. I'm using a Babyville pattern right now, but my husband and I are working on tweaking it to make it more "us."

Here are a few Babyville diapers I've made, they're all hidden PUL:

This is a cover with a snap-in liner, great for use with disposable inserts or tri-folded prefolds.

A pocket diaper with heart applique. I used my printer to put the quote on the heart.

Another cover with snap-in liner. I love the print on this one, though the white is a pain to clean after blowouts. Thank goodness for the sun!

I do need to work on the elastic on the legs, it always seems to get stuck and not hold the legs as tightly, which leads to blowouts and leaking. Next I plan on trying a AIO or AI2. I'm no seamstress, but it is fun to try!

All-Natural Diaper/Skin Cream

It's been a while since my last post, huh? My apologies, we've been busy moving and getting back into the swing of things!

Today I have a great recipe for you, it follows along the same lines as the ever-so-popular All-Natural Gripe Water I posted about back in November 2013. It's homemade, completely natural (even organic, if you use the right ingredients!), and oh-so yummy (but don't actually eat it. It just smells yummy). This stuff is fantastic. Not only is it great as a diaper cream - I've been told it's completely cloth-diaper safe - it also works amazingly as a lotion, sunburn treatment (note: not a sunscreen, but it will help heal burned skin), eczema lotion, massage cream, whatever floats your boat!

This recipe is not original, though I did make my own modifications to it while I was making my batch.

I actually received a sample of this cream from a friend while I was pregnant with Monkey and I loved it so much I begged her for the recipe! The original recipe can be found on her blog, Beards, Braids, and Babes, but I will be posting a copy (with a couple differences) below!

I also apologize because I don't have step-by-step picture instructions with this one. I made this batch back in July, and I made enough to last a couple years so I probably won't be making it again any time soon. Here's the recipe, I even added a pretty orange picture for your delight and because it's officially the first day of autumn!

Ingredients:

1/2 ounce beeswax
3 1/2 ounces coconut oil (if yours is solid at room temperature, warm before measuring & adding to batch. It's easier, trust me!)
2-3 ounces olive oil, as desired for consistency (I added about 2 oz)
1-5 drops tea tree essential oil
2-4 drops lavender essential oil

* 1 tablespoon = 1/2 ounce

Instructions:

Fill a pot halfway with water and bring to a boil. Turn down heat to a simmer. Place a tightly fitting bowl (I prefer glass) over the pot of simmering water. 

Place beeswax in bowl and melt, stirring constantly. Once melted, slowly add in coconut oil and stir until melted. The beeswax may harden when the cooler coconut oil is added, just keep stirring to melt. Add olive oil to beeswax-coconut oil mixture. 

Once the oil mixture is melted, remove from heat and add essential oils as desired. Let cool completely and test consistency**. If it's too thick, melt over simmering water again and add more olive oil. 

**Because I'm impatient, I took a tablespoon or so out of the batch and cooled in a separate container to test consistency. That way I didn't have to wait a couple hours for the entire batch to cool before checking consistency, and I didn't have to re-melt the entire batch to transfer it to my other container(s). 

***I've been asked a few times where I got my beeswax. I got mine at Whole Foods, where it can be found by the ounce, but I have also seen it in bars, beads, and cakes at Natural Grocers and a few independent natural foods stores. It can also be found in varying quantities on Amazon and from many other online retailers. It's not terribly expensive (I think I got mine for $2.50 an ounce of pure organic), so shop around!

This is mine, as you can see it's not pretty and has been used a lot! I like it to be pasty so I can scoop it out of a container. Adding more olive oil will make it thinner so you can put it in a squeezable bottle, if you so desire. I doubled the recipe above and it was enough to fill my 2 cup (470 mL) Pyrex container. 

Enjoy, with love!

Why I Love My Messy House

This post has probably been done before. I can almost guarantee it, but it's really on my mind tonight as I'm sitting on my couch surrounded by toys, books, clothes, and even cracker crumbs.
Don't get me wrong, most days the mess makes me want to rip my hair out or crawl in bed and never come out. Especially the messes that happen in places I've just finished tidying. You know how they say little boys are speedy? Well, there's nothing they do faster than Tasmanian-devilling a room you literally just got done cleaning.
But tonight, I'm sitting here admiring the tiny-finger smudged glass porch door, the gnawed on books strewn carelessly around the room, and the trail of cheddar bunnies that leads from the kitchen to the hallway.
I'm sure you're wondering why I'm admiring a pig sty. I'll tell you.
Each little part of this mess is a memory. That book that now has a page missing? Monkey sat for over ten minutes reading it to himself in his precious babbling voice (which I'm sure made perfect sense to him). Those smudges on the back door? He made those while peering wondrously out at the pouring rain, completely enthralled and dancing to the rhythm. That mitten laying curled on the ground is there because he found it in his room and brought it to me to put on his hand, because he gets a kick out of trying to pick things up with slippery hands. My husband's shoe is clear across the room from where it should be, because Monkey thought it would make a great hat, then a great drumstick.
Each and every bit of this mess is a part of a small adventure my son had today, a complete wonder that sparked his imagination and enticed his growing mind. Sure, it'll be a pain to clean up once I finally decide to get off my rump and do it, but for now, I'm treasuring all these simple memories of today. Tomorrow may not be so simple or easy to love.

The Best Cinnamon Rolls in the History of Ever

Okay, that title may be exaggerating a little. But these rolls are pretty good, if I do say so myself.
This is my recipe for delish cinnamon rolls, and they're pretty awesome.

This post is mostly for my friend "Zarolyn" over at The Zitchen, who has been begging me for this recipe for months! Okay, not really. It was a passing comment in a conversation we had while on a walk with our rascally little ones (hers was asleep the whole time, that party animal). When I told her I don't use a recipe for this, really, she told me I should write it down anyway.

So I figured, I may as well, for posterity's sake, you know? I don't want to be on my deathbed and have my children and grandchildren weeping beside me because I never gave them the recipe for my cinnamon rolls. And that would be a shame. So, I made them and actually paid attention to what I was doing, and measured the goodness out and stuff. Because I'm cool and caring like that. For my posterity.

So without further adieu, here's the recipe:

Dough Ingredients:

2 cups warm water
2 1/2 tsp (active dry) yeast
1/2 tbsp sugar
1/4 cup melted butter
1 tbsp salt
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup evaporated milk
5-7 cups bread flour, white or wheat will work, too (can use more if needed)
1 tbsp shortening

Dough Directions:

Place the yeast and 1/2 tbsp sugar in a small bowl. Pour the warm water (see yeast package for recommended temperature) over the yeast mixture and let sit for 15-20 minutes, or until nice and bubbly (the foamier, the better!).
Combine melted butter, sugar, evaporated milk, and salt into a large mixing bowl. When yeast mixture is ready, add to the bowl and mix well.
If you're using a stand mixer use a bread hook. If mixing by hand, make sure to kneed well. Add 3 cups of flour to wet ingredients and mix. Then, add 1 cup of flour at a time until dough is no longer sticking to the bowl and doesn't stick to your fingers.
Cover ball of dough and sides of bowl with shortening, cover the bowl with a warm towel. Set in a warm place and allow to rise until it is higher than the edges of the bowl (or doubled in size, if bowl is very large, takes approximately 1 1/2-2 hours). When risen, punch the dough down and place on a floured surface.
Kneed the dough for 2-3 minutes. Cut dough into two pieces and roll into a rectangle approximately 1/4"-1/2" thick, depending on your preference.

Filling Ingredients:

1 stick butter, very soft
2 cups brown sugar
2-4 tbsp ground cinnamon, to taste

Filling Directions:

In a small bowl, mix together brown sugar and cinnamon until fully mixed. It doesn't matter if there are chunks.
Spread 1/2 stick butter on one dough rectangle, covering the entire surface.

Spread 1/2 the sugar-cinnamon mixture on the dough, it should be a relatively thick layer.

Start at one end of the rectangle and roll, tucking the roll tightly under as you go. When you get to the end, pinch the seam against the roll so it seals.

It should look something like this:

Using both hands, gently stretch the roll out.

Using a sharp, non-serrated knife, cut slices about 3/4-1" thick. Or you can do the same using string or floss. Discard the ends (I discarded the end on the right, but kept the left because it was big enough to make a roll).

Place rolls in a greased dish and cover with a greased sheet of plastic wrap. Allow to rise in a warm place for 45 mins-1 hour, until doubled in size (may take longer depending on temperature of kitchen. I usually heat oven to 200 degrees Fahrenheit, then turn it off and allow the rolls to rise in the warm oven). 

When fully risen, remove plastic wrap and bake at 400 degrees for 10-15 minutes, or until golden brown. 

While rolls are baking, mix the icing. You want to apply the icing while the rolls are warm, so the icing seeps into the rolls in a layer of heavenly deliciousness. 

Cream Cheese Icing Ingredients*:

6 oz cream cheese, softened

1/2 cup (8 tbsp) butter, softened

2-3 cups confectioner's sugar

1 tsp vanilla extract

1/4 tsp salt.

Icing Directions:

Beat together cream cheese, butter, vanilla, salt, and confectioner's sugar, adding in the confectioner's sugar 1 cup at a time until desired consistency and flavor is reached. 

*I usually double this because I'm a wee piggy and love cream cheese icing, especially on cinnamon rolls!

There are probably easier recipes out there, but mine's the best. Probably. Maybe. You be the judge. 

But, it has pictures, and you just can't beat that!

Enjoy, with love!

Scrumptious Chocolate Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting

It's been quite some time since I posted a recipe of sorts. But I promise, I have been trying new recipes!

I've been craving comfort foods lately. Bad. It's sad, really, what chronic sleep deprivation and listening to constant whining will do to you...

So the other night, at like 10 PM, I made these cupcakes. Goodness, so delish.

My husband thought so, too. He ate three in less than 20 minutes, and this after constant comments about how he wasn't in a "sweets" mood, and how much he didn't want to taste-test the batter or the frosting. Yeah, right. 

I used a slightly adapted version of this recipe from Add A Pinch for the cupcakes, and my own frosting recipe.

INGREDIENTS:

Chocolate Cupcakes

• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• ½ cup cocoa
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• ½ teaspoon baking soda
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ½ cup unsweetened almond milk (can use regular dairy milk)
• ¼ cup vegetable oil
• 1/4 cup egg whites, or 1 egg
• ½ teaspoon vanilla
• ½ cup boiling water

Cream Cheese Frosting

• 6 oz cream cheese, softened**
• 1/2 cup (8 tbsp) butter, softened
• 3 cups confectioner's sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/4 tsp salt

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 325º F.
2. Place cupcake liners in muffin tin.
3. Add flour, sugar, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda, and salt to a large bowl. Whisk through to combine.
4. Add milk, vegetable oil, eggs, and vanilla to flour mixture and mix together on medium speed until well combined. Reduce speed and carefully add boiling water to the cake batter. Beat on high speed for about 1 minute to add air to the batter.
5. Evenly distribute cake batter. Each cupcake liner should be about ¾ths full.
6. Place in the oven and bake 12-15 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.
7. Remove from the oven and allow the cupcakes to cool completely.
8. While cupcakes are cooling, beat together cream cheese, butter, vanilla, salt, and 1 cup confectioner's sugar until well mixed. 1 cup at a time, add remaining confectioner's sugar until desired consistency and sweetness is reached. Mix until smooth and stiff. 

**The trick is to make sure the cream cheese is soft, but still firm. Mixing it too warm or too cold will result in thin or chunky icing, which is not great for holding its shape, and doesn't taste all that great, either.

These puppies are moist for days after baking. So moist. So good. 

Remember, chocolate comes from the cocoa bean, and beans are legumes, which are healthy for you. Right? 

Eh, even if it's not great for your body, these sure do wonders for your soul!

Happy eatings!

Hey, y'all. It's been a while, hasn't it? For the record, I don't say "y'all" in real life, but boy, is it fun to type!
Life has been crazy, and not even the good kind. It's the emotional-roller-coaster, no-sleep, fuzzy-brained, chaotic-mess kinda crazy. I won't delve into the boring details, but this year been a pain in the arse so far. It could be worse, I know. I have many friends and family members who have had the ground ripped out from under their feet in these first two months of the year. I hurt for them, and they are constantly in my thoughts. But so far, for my little family, 2014 has kept us on our toes.
Anyway, with all this craziness and my resulting laziness (hah, I rhymed), it has been difficult to find the time to write, let alone think of anything  to write about. But the other day I was driving home from a visit to my family's house and I had a thought. Thank you, literary gods.
I recently had my hair done, and it's a pretty drastic change from my previous 'do. I had sent a picture of it to my husband, who had replied and said (a few different times) how much he loved it, really. He grinned ear to ear when he finally saw it in person. I had a few people close to me offer comments along the lines of: "Well, he's being awfully sweet about it. What did he do wrong that he's trying to kiss up for?"
An innocent comment, and one probably intended to be humorous. But this isn't the first time I've heard of and received comments like this, and I'll admit, I'm guilty of uttering them myself:
"Your boyfriend did the dishes? What did he do wrong?"
"Your husband brought you flowers, supposedly on a whim? What's he trying to kiss up for?"
"Your "significant other" did/said [something sweet, fill in the blank]? Something's up."
These comments are annoying to me for a few reasons. For one, my partner is not my child. I am not his mother. I am not his jailer. I am his partner, his wife. He should not have to "kiss up" to be able to do what he wants, or do a domestic task in order to apologize for a mistake. I do not control him. I do not preside over him in our home, and he should not feel like he has to come crawling on hands and knees to apologize for forgetting Valentine's Day (seriously, I forgot it, too). Yes, I appreciate when he does the dishes, but why shouldn't he clean? He lives here, too, and contributes just as much to the mess as I do.
But most of all, ladies and gents, I spy a double standard here.
What double standard, you ask? I'll counter that with another question. The last time you watched a chick flick or novel and swooned over the male lead, did you automatically question every sweet, romantic thing he did as having an ulterior motive? Probably not. If so, girl, you've got trust issues (don't worry, I've been there). If you sat there and thought how romantic that man was, and wondered why men aren't like that in "real life," well, here's your answer.
They do try. They really do, even after the dating and honeymoon phases, they do try. But those innocent, sweet actions meant to make our day better are often met with scepticism and criticism (either by us, our friends, our families, random strangers in the checkout line at the store, it doesn't matter...it's there). The men in our lives want  to appreciate us, and they want to show it. For some it's a gift, a thoughtful message, a date, a spontaneous kiss or hug, flowers, doing a chore he wouldn't normally do, a small comment, or a sincere "I love you." Each person has his own way of showing how much he cares and appreciates us, whether we see it or not. Anyway, that's kind of off topic.
If we're constantly wondering, "why aren't guys that romantic in real life?" and then turning around and questioning a man's actions and suspecting an ulterior motive, well, that must be extremely confusing and disheartening for our male counterparts. Would you continue complimenting a friend on her new outfit if she kept asking you what you were trying to kiss up for? Probably not.
I get it, some men are kings of douchebaggery. I've met many of those types in my life, so I completely understand where the scepticism comes from. But I've met just as many women who are equally crass and moronic; is it really reasonable to assume the entire sex is guilty of the crimes of a few? Of course not, so why are we doing it anyway? I have no answer for that, perhaps it's just human nature. But this thought pattern needs to stop. Innocent until proven guilty, right?
Believe me, my relationship with my husband has been a huge learning experience for me in this area. I used to be sceptical of everything a man did, I've been guilty of being too stuck up and prideful to trust that his intentions were anything other than innocent attempts at romance. Then I learned that I will never be loved like Lizzie Bennet [or insert your preferred protagonist] if I don't let go of my insecurities and stop being so suspicious. And guess what happened? I met this truly amazing man who has never done me wrong. Not once. Sure, there are the trivial mishaps, but there has been nothing that's so damaging it rips us apart as a couple. It's okay for my husband to bring me flowers on a whim, do the dishes, take the baby for an hour so I can nap, tell me I look beautiful, make my own decisions, notice my hair, massage my shoulders, and the countless other thoughtful things he does to show me he cares for me and is trying to take care of me. He's not trying to kiss up, or make up for a mistake, or apologize for something he did wrong. He's trying to show me he loves me. And I do just as many things of my own to show him that I love him. It's a two-way street, this relationship. And so far, it's working phenomenally.
So next time your friend's significant other (or yours) brings her (or you) flowers and chocolates for no apparent reason, or repeatedly compliments her new hair style, try to appreciate that he's expressing his love for her, and don't immediately be suspicious of his actions, okay? Just try it, you might be surprised.